September 4, 2011 at 10:59 pm #3472
I need your thoughts. I have heard great advice from you when others have had issues with their kids. Well, now it is my tu for some advice, please.
My 15 (almost 16) year old dd wants spider bites. I thought she called them snake bites in the past. Anyway, I am really tued off by them. I know it is sterotyping and I am trying to have an open mind. She wants to pay for the piercings and leave them in until she is 18. She understands employers would frown upon them and that is why she said she would take them out then. She says she wants to do it now while she can. And, in her own words, isn't that what being a teenager is all about? Finding out who you are, trying out things? Sheesh! And, she has properly pointed out that I shouldn't stereotype. She has valid points and on her own volunteered to remove them at the appropriate time. I just really, really don't like them.
This is the second time she has asked. I told her I would think about it the first time (which was a week ago). Now, she is pressing me for an answer so I guess this one is not going to go away. And, just so you know. About a year ago she pierced her own lip while out with friends at the mall. I showed up at the mall unexpectedly and told her to take it out. She did no questions asked and apologized for doing it without asking. She was very contrite at the time. So, at least this time she is asking.
I feel like I have to let her do this. I can't seem to find a reasonable answer to tell her no other than the fact that I don't like them. I associate negative things with those who have them and I know that is wrong. And, I know other people do too. In fact, I have seen how other adults have treated her for her rocker clothes and hair already. Now, she wants to further the image. She has even said she knows she gets treated a certain way due to how she looks. Ha! My entire family would just flip out but I am the black sheep and they love me anyway. Help!!!!September 4, 2011 at 11:08 pm #135028
Well first off I don't have kids and second I don't know what a spider bite is, but it sounds to me like you already know what to do.
I am impressed with the way she is handling this and her outlook sounds very mature.
If she does get them is she prepared to handle how others people might react toward her that are prone to negatively streotyping?September 4, 2011 at 11:17 pm #135029
I had to Google this. I had no idea what you were talking about. So, does she want 2 on one side of her lip, two on both sides?
Can you compromise and agree to 1 rather than 2 piercings? Have you done any research that would show how the piercings look after you remove the jewelry to let them heal up and close?
The fact that she realizes they need to come out when it comes time to look for a job shows, to me anyway, that she has a really good head on her shoulders. Bravo Mom!! You done good. 🙂
I would focus on what they will look like when she stops wearing the jewelry and go from there. If there doesn't appear to be a horrible downside then I think you may have to let her.
I would level with her and reiterate the stigma that goes with these types of piercings and while she can call you a stereotypical parent, you can explain that while looks shouldn't matter, the cold hard truth is that it does and these piercings may bring things her way that she hadn't considered. If she is willing to put up with the looks and attitudes, she should consider proving people wrong about their thoughts.
Tough one Jan. I think you did the right things by letting this go to see if she would bring it back up. I don't envy you.September 4, 2011 at 11:47 pm #135030
OMG I wish I could wave a magic wand and help you with this. LOL . Be honest with her and take it from there. I am old fashioned and conservative only ears are pierced I would not stop my son if he wanted it. My sons girlfriend has a nose ring and I watched her fight an infection that could of scarred her. Showing her what it looks like after she stops wearing it. Might help. I have 5 earing holes in my ears and I can't wear earings because I am now allergic. I regret it. But times they are achanging will the field she wants to go into be discouraging? It could put her at a disadvantage. My 15 almost 16 year old wanted the short shorts. We compromised and as long as her ass is not hangin out she can leave the house. Sometimes I wish they could really see themselves. I miss the days when she played dress up and wanted to be like me. Sorry wish I could be more help. Good luck.September 4, 2011 at 11:57 pm #135031
I knew a girl that had a piercing on her wrist where the hole closed up, but for whatever reason it left a scar. She was going to have to have laser treatments to have it removed. That would not be good on a face! Yikes, I don't know. I don't have kids, but I would almost be tempted to play the whole while under my roof it is my rules and when you move out on your own feel free to put as many holes in your face as you would like. But this is probably why I don't have kids…ha! I would maybe try and compromise and tell her you are willing to let her get the spider bites in a location that is covered by clothes. Oh no, this is a tough one. I do respect that she at least asked you.September 5, 2011 at 2:53 am #135032
OK, I am not going to read any one elses suggestions until I tell you my story and how we handled it. When Gabbie tued 15, she wanted her lip pierced, and she also wanted her eyebrow pierced. I said no way no how, but I was willing to compromise and let her get her belly button pierced. I told her when she tued 18 and was done with school, she could do the other piercings she wanted, but explained that employers in most establishments frowned upon those kinds of things. It is not a good image for companies. So she got her belly pierced. Then the following year at 16, she went and got her lip pierced. Knowing that I would not allow it and upset she did it anyway, Steve and I told her to take it out and we were upset in her actions and decision. She reluctantly took it out. Flash forward to 18. She did the Marilyn, I thought it was cute, but then she took it out and did the snake bites…I was not pleased. Once again, we compromised as I told her one of them had to go…Such a beautiful girl, putting holes in her face. So this time without a fight, she took one out. Then when she was interviewing for the military, they told her, the piercings had to go, so she removed them, besides her employer told her if she wanted the job, the piercings would have to go, So out came both snake bites. Her face stayed free and clear of piercings until she decided she didn't want to join the military, so once again, she did the Marilyn . That lasted until she left for school. NO PIERCINGS ALLOWED. So out they came, and she boarded the plane to Portland…no more piercings since..BUT, the tattoos are another story..Oy vey…
Now that she is working for Disney, her tattoos have to be covered. Long sleeves in the middle of the summer, or in a 110 degree kitchen is not fun. Unless the executive chef doesn't have a problem with them, then they will be OK. Her only visible tats are on her forearm. She doesn't regret them, but understand why they may be unacceptable where she works.
Jen, I say as long as you give her an explanation as to why she shouldn't get the piercings, she will understand. As far as allowing her, even though you would rather she not, at 16, that is up to you. I wouldn't allow it at 16. I didnt back down on my decision, and I didn't get any grief. Gabbie got over it in a day. I will let Gabbie tell you how she felt, and if she understood, and what HER feelings were on my decision.
And OH, spider bites are 2 side by side closer to each other under the lip area, where as snake bites are under the lip, on either side..Believe me, I know…
As far as stereo typing, these things are stereo typed. Gabbie was an excellent student, grades were good, never got in trouble..She is respectful of her family, and has never caused anyone grief. But some people look at things like this in a different light. They think these kids are bad or out of control.
I say that if she is good kid, and means no harm to herself or others. Let her do it…I believe the novelty will wear off and she will realize life isn't all about piercings. I know, because I went through this.
I had to step aside and be the cool mom for once. Right Gabbie??????September 5, 2011 at 6:57 am #135033
Similar story, so my son got his tongue pierced. Even had to take that out for jobs.September 5, 2011 at 2:38 pm #135034
Jan, will they scar? I know that they can be removed, but would she regret leaving blemishes on a very noticeable if they do?
You're right, this is a tough one…September 5, 2011 at 7:48 pm #135036
I'm glad piercings weren't the in thing when my DD was growing because I'm sure I'd be asking for advice alsoSeptember 6, 2011 at 2:46 am #135038
The lip piercing is not something I am crazy about either but I would let her do it if she were really pressing for it. Brianna had started gauging her ears and it took me a long time to figure out what she was doing. When I finally got it out of her, I was not thrilled with it. I told her she could do it but had to keep it to a certain size and that when she decided she no longer wanted them if the holes did not close, I would not pay for the surgery to fix them. That little phase lasted a few months. She let them close on of her own accord and they are fine. She just recently got her nose pierced and I think the tiny studs are cute so I was fine with that. Honestly Jan if she isn't hurting anyone let her go through the phase. I try to gauge my battles and keep my priorities focused. No drugs, alcohol or sex. Get A's and B's in school. Focus on going to college. Don't get arrested, don't get in a car with someone who is drinking, don't meet strangers on the inteet. Those are my priorities. If she is following all the rules and must pierce then so be it. You gotta let them have some control over lives or they will just rebel harder in other ways.
That's my two swirly cents for ya! Good luck.September 6, 2011 at 3:28 am #135039
My DD was a rule breaker in high school. She pierced her own ears with thumb tacks…multiple times all up and down. Her hair hid the multiple piercings for a long time from me. Then she came home with an eyebrow that was pierced. It came out. She did had a diamond in her nose that got really infected. I sorta liked it until it started ozzing! She's almost 30 now….so maybe we're past all that. I'm glad snake bites weren't popular when she was in HS. Jan….my Holly sounds like your daughter…..I just hate to see holes in thier pretty faces. Tatts and holes are forever!
Here's a youtube of the snake bite piercing http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=V1zhqaGFY2ASeptember 6, 2011 at 7:27 am #135040
Oh god…. sometimes it just sucks to be a parent. (that is how I feel) Our Ashley, had them for a while (snakebites that is) she put holes all over her body, BY HERSELF…. god, I hated those things and told her to take them out. She refused in any way.
Then she wanted a job… didn't get a job anywhere because of the piercings. She even kicked harder and harder against society, but a year later she took them off, knowing… she would never get a job. She does have scars tho.
Jan, these decisions are so hard to make. Maybe you 2 can compromise in a way.
I've leaed, that a teenager needs to lea their own lessons. Some off them lea by explaining, some off them only lea by experience. Good luck!!!!September 6, 2011 at 12:48 pm #135035
Since I am prob the only one of us who has had piercing like this (not snake bites) I have a different take.
To me, piercings are no biggie.
They can be taken out and are less painful and less expensive than say, tattoos.
BUT I would make her wait til she IS 16. Maybe as a present.
(I had my tongue pierced. And it was awesome.) :pSeptember 6, 2011 at 6:31 pm #135041September 6, 2011 at 8:56 pm #135042
I sarted not to write anything, but had to put my 2 cents in. It would be a definite no at my house. My son's knew better than to ask for eatr piercings. 16 is too young to really know what you want and may regret laYter. I say she needs to wait until 18 then decide. ou already give her the choice to wear want she wants.
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